the ouija board has worked for me

not literally but metaphorically.

life: it has turned upside down. i'm happy. yes one friend is missing, but another has been gained. which certainly doesnt replace the other, but one must always emphasize the brighter side. otherwise, i would always be sad. ANYWAY, finished up fall semester. im so damn proud that i completed a 7:00 AM class, btter yet got an A in it. ha, and i always thought english was my weakness :P

danny brought up a good point to cutting my hair. i wanted a new start, in a sense i felt like i cut off history with all the devils ive ran into. especially the one from perris.

ive decided that im taking down all the things joseph has given me. to a certain extent, it would be true if i said i havent let go completely. there was always a speck inside me that always assumed there would be a second chance with him whenever i wanted it.

i dont want it.

and i really hate how im so lazy. ive been wanting to paint a led zeppelin thing on my table. ive only painted the white base onto the wood.
i could be so much productive.

oh well, ill never learn.

merry christmas.

now i am a was

my life is an endless succession of people saying goodbye.

december 7, 2009

take everything i have left, turn it into gold and consider it an utopia. (even though it's been better)


as for the mural ; its going great. i love half of these kids :)

hello i am the ghost of troubled joe.

am i growing up too fast? HAVE i grown up too fast?

you know, i did entirely skip two years of high school. what does it feel like to be a senior? oh, i'll never know.
and what exactly got me thinking all this? the fact that i did not come out in the stinking 2010 picture. and the fact that i never took my senior pictures. it all seems pointless.

i am very silly.

he doesnt look as handsome in this picture, but he sure is eye candy haha!

this would have been a cute picture if the contrast wasnt set to so high!

this guy may not know it, but he is my favorite.

until i experience a set of internal problems like i always do. ha

lesson learned

don't EVER lose faith in human beings because that 1/1000 person will prove you wrong.

barbarism begins at home

why am i always hurting?
especially when i'm in my house

always feeling so alone.
man oh man.

here it goes

another week, another thought, another new post in which i pour my heart out [or whatever is left of it]
SO, i will lay it all out; it's clearly hard for me to be interested in a guy. yeah ill have a silly crush that will last a week or less. any negative trait i spot in a guy will haunt me forever. thus leading me not experiencing anyone who brings me those stupid butterflies ever since andy. now that was long ago! the time in between ive spent experiencing a variety of guys. of course its all been a fiasco. then, a guy who our friendship developed in our current art class comes. yes, hes brought out feelings in me that i forgot i could even feel. im all gushy right now, i know, im lame. but im happy that i've finally admitted to myself that im feeling a connection.

its just been so long; therefore, you cannot blame me for being excited :P

There, I've said it loud and clear
So that you will hear
There's no one in view
Just you

bittersweet.

who knew my whole life would be butchered. everything seems to be falling apart.
everything except school&literally 3 friends
at least i found a valuable treasure in this trash can.

whether there are romantic intentions or not, this is a fresh breathe of air. he could not have came in a better time of my life.


halloween was rather a fiasco this year. compared to last year's endless dancing and sharing great memories with nancy jp kevin andy ashley and others.

slash&freddiemercury

i really need to complete my 60 transferable units and get my ass outta moval.

typical me typical me typical me

Talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'll say it anyway


maybe the original story is meant to continue. maybe not now, but maybe in the future. it somewhat makes sense.


otherwise:

LIFE IS VERY LONG WHEN YOU ARE LONELY.
he knew about everything that was going to happen in my life beforehand and decided to make a career out of it.

pregnant for the last time

But then you see someone new
And you want someone new
So you have someone new
I dont blame you
We would all do the same as you
If ever we had the nerve to

i'm very grateful for receiving free college education. it's what's consuming most of my time on weekdays. if i'm not at school im probably at sunnymead middle school, working on my senior project, reading RAIN OF GOLD, or practicing my math skills.

You are repressed
But youre remarkably dressed
Is it real ?
And youre always busy

Really busy

even though it gets really stressful most of the times, i must not and will not discontinue all the effort im putting into this. im only in middle college once. the thought of how much time and money i've saved so far fills my heart with... i dont even know how to explain it. ive never been much of a writer anyway.
so in much shorter words, i am very happy about being busy with my free schooling.
yet sometimes i find myself longing to find another person to share all my little weird and nonsense thoughts with. lately, ive had the opportunity to try out a handful of ... guys.
point is, all guys suck and no one can ever gain my interest as much as joseph or andick ever did. until then, i have a feeling of emptiness that appears and disappears in my heart.
some days, it's far from my mind. days like these i wish i would have encountered another neat person to be goo goo eyed over.

not even he can make me feel as happy as i did in this picture. things like this should not matter at this age though.

now i must go get ready to have an adventurous night and forget about all these crazy thoughts.

the garden

i think it's safe to say that eric is my comic relief throughout everything. andy's birthday this weekend. i am really happy right now, although i should be feeling otherwise. who cares :)

No one's gonna bother me anymore
No one's gonna mess with my head no more
I can't understand what all the fightin's for
But it's so nice here down off the shore
I wish you could see this
'Cause there's nothing to see
It's peaceful here and it's fine with me
Not like the world where I used to live

en by slash and rose.

We're damaged people praying for something that doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us.
P.s. I will always and forever love "coma" wonderfully writt

lack of a father

lack of happiness. if there is one thing that is constantly renewed in my mind its the fact that i never and will never have an appropriately filled in father role in my life.. if that makes sense. half of you don't realize what hard working, loving,&great dads you have. as for me, i've been sitting around for at least the past 10 years wondering when i will get the chance to experience the warmth that a father can provide. it will probably never happen.

but it's okay.

on the other hand, i have a great mom and sisters, and a handful of friends im thankful for :)

just breathe.

i just need to step back and relax. i need to re-realize that i must keep on giving without expecting to receive, even if it hurts to do me so. it's just the right thing to do. i have to stop stressing and becoming upset by other people's unthoughtful actions.

the meaning of these two pieces of art (that i completed my sophomore year) is becoming reality again.

we sat next to the fire as the flame was burning out. i knew what you were thinking before you'd say it aloud
oh demi, how you keep me so fascinated with your music and better yet your lyrics. the whole cd is just perfect. obviously, my favorite song is every time you lie. i couldnt have been in a better situation to take my first listen to that song along with everything you're not.
anyways, i just got back from mexico/fresno/sf
its been three long weeks since ive settled down in moval.
mexico, well it was relaxing. no doubt i needed that vacation. before i left i just wanted to pull my hair out because of everything and everyone. i spent a lot of time with family, made me realize how dry of a life i live out here without any family close by :/ i cherish the saturday night when i had all my younger cousins singing a long to high school musical. it beat any party i've ever attended on a weekend. oh boy, i know i missed out on a lot [kalies surprise bday party at my house just to name ONE of the many things i missed out on] i fled to fresno last minute. why? because some news was just too fresh and i couldnt stand staying in moval. the news? well its a little sad, but certainly no surprise, i should be rather used to it by now.
sf was beautiful, reminded me of how im strongly considering transferring to a school out there.
this weekend i recieved NUMEROUS amounts of drunken texts and phone calls ranting about how everyone missed me, it was certainly nice to hear all that blabbbbin when i felt so alone :P
who knows it all right now? carson.
we got that bomb friendship :D
KBYE.

Why did you give me
So much desire?
When there is nowhere I can go
To offload this desire
And why did you give me
So much love
In a loveless world
When there's no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love
And why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin


well, later on today i leave to mexico. my thoughts? i hope i don't do the things i did last year. last year when i went to mexico i had just broken up with joseph. it left me feeling emptier and more confused than ever. in conclusion, i did things that i probably wouldnt do this year. i hope to find more of myself during this trip. and when i come back, im really hoping i know what to do in different aspects of my life. i hope i have clearer goals and ambitions. i hope to know what to do when it comes to guys haaaa. and i hope seeing the virgin will really connect me back to church because lately, i dont even know what mass is :|

patience

patience, something greatly valued, but not by myself. patience has only gotten me into giving far to many chances and not putting my foot down. ............ :| anyways, today the beach with joseph luis cathy etc was fun. i went in deeper than usual. had a phone call with andy in which i basically spoke of nothing and just made weird ass noises to him and even sang him a guns n roses song, yes i was that bored :) friday i went to the beach with kalie tiff syl and his cousin. summer 09 is filled with great days, just not great emotions that i come to meet during the night. pictures later.

we got the beat

i've always been a rather boring person

showing our patriotic side with dragon tats, perfect right?

walked around morrisson for no freaken reason and ran into way too many awkward people

i have no idea, but we always look like this

another sign...

missing lilly :(
this was before we went into her house to get my leather tights, unfortunately we ran into her mom

TOO MUCH FOOOOOOOOOD

enjoyed kalie's misinforming magazine at the park

we were once a happy family

old no makeup pale @ palm springs :)