karma police

i feel like i am not myself anymore, or at least my old self. i have to create my identity all over again. i dont know who i am or what i exactly stand for anymore. ive been presenting with all these new perceptions of life, my old life style has been switched around. im not hinting at me being a new crazy lost girl. ive learned so much from psychology and english and other altering experiences. i guess my horizons are expanding rapidly and its hard for me to take a grip of it. but this new person im working towards wont be as closed minded, just to sum it up.
other than that, venice was great yesterday, ive climbed the m and over looked moval. i never noticed how big moval was! 0_0

they spun a web for me

although im thankful for danny and share great joy when im with him, i do sincerely miss having girl friends. its not like i pushed anyone away before danny came into the picture. the damage was already done. its just that, well, im not completely healed.

who will you be when you grow up?

ever since i was little i always interlocked with art. i always drew, painted, and so on. i love drawing and creating pieces that are directly from the heart. BUT, that does not mean im willing to devote my life to art. the people closest to me always try enforcing that idea. it pisses me the fuck off because i am slowly discovering my strong interest in the psychology field. and what response do i get? "dont do it just because it seems easy and fun for you." then of course the point of "psychology is logical, it wont challenge you" is brought up. GOODNESS, A RAGE IS CERTAINLY CREATED INSIDE ME. psychology wouldnt be so logical if there wouldnt have been tests to prove logical ideas. long ago it was "logical" that women were inferior to men, until studies proved otherwise. fuck man fuck all this rambling and all this temperance running through my mind. anyway, point is im tired of everyone assuming im committing my life to art therefore should study in la or ny. yeah that sounds fun and all, but there has to be something thatll lure me in with more interest. its like getting married with a boyfriend you just like, and not waiting for the man you will fall in love with. you know there is someone out there that will just knock you off your feet, and youll know when you meet him. WELL THATS WHAT IM WAITING FOR IN MY ACADEMIC LIFE.

stripped

despite the fact that i've been living with this dilemma for almost five months, i still struggle to cope with it properly."little things affect little minds."

another danny filled weekend, my favorite of course! we conversed about my dilemma, he admitted it was quite a disappointment to see me still lingering...
he made me realize that its almost necessary to put that part of my life behind me because its only affecting me negatively. i broke down and admitted i felt like they almost took a part of me that i lack now. i still have to work towards possessing more strength rather than weakness... im just rambling. probably dont even make sense right now.
aside from that, my life is beautiful.

but even i as sick as i am, i would never be you.

have you seen that oreida commercial.. "its not just olrieda, its alrighta" so fucking stupid. it makes me mad because i couldve came up with a better catch phrase if i thought about it for hours and got drunk or something. blah blah blah the sanest days are still mad. i really appreciate my dearest danny hes a kick ass boyfriend uhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm and my best friend. thats it.

this day we had psychology together and spent too many hours together. we got annoyed of each other. then thought it was cute how we got annoyed of each other :D

this day i introduced him to papaya valley and had pad thai. he agreed that it was delicious. then we watched the sun set at poon park as he dealt with my horrible smelling gas. goodness he is the best guy for me HAHA

just wanted to point out how ugly eric is and he gave me all his essays for my english class :)

that night wasnt healthy. thats the night when i decided it would be best to cut off all communications with some fool. its been working out.

mama lay softly on the riverbed

it's february 2, 2010. my brother receives a phone call from my dad regarding the disappearance of our "pet bull" my brother and i go our seperate ways as he drives around town while i ride the bike around nearby neighborhoods with puppy screaming pet bull's name. after hours of search, we just assumed she would come back or be found. now, it's february 4. big bird accompanies me to the dog pound. i was bursting with hope of finding my poor baby in one of those cages. two hours later my brother comes home to inform me she got ran over in front of shannon's house the same day she disappeared. i was in disbelief as shannon laughed by my side. it's now 8 p.m. as i am getting out of aerobics. danny picks me up. the comfort he provided me allowed me to let it all out. i could not stop crying. not even the food he bought me could calm me down. what a shocker :P

endless amounts of thoughts flowed through my head. just remembering how IIIIII raised her into the most loveable pet bull anyone could ever ask for. i wont forget us watching tv together and cuddling. goodness, she sure did help me when i felt lonely. there was a period of time where i felt like i had nothing and no one to display any type of affection towards. and there pet bull was, always waiting for me to shower her with hugs and kisses. she always seemed to appreciate any hint of affection i displayed for her. i will miss passing through the garage and her annoying me by jumping on me and almost knocking my over. ill miss looking into my baby's beautiful light brown eyes and seemed to be filled with charisma. she also provided me with a safe feeling whenever i would be home alone. FUCK MAN WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GET RAN OVER?! why couldn't it have been cherry, or puppy....

andres montano

was sadly right when he warned me things would never be the same. no, its not regarding anything between him and me. i need new friends. YUP I SAID IT. kthxbye

isnt it amazing how two human beings could connect so deeply? im not trying to call this love and get ahead of myself, but man! he's been the best i've experienced by far. takes up the role of both a boyfriend and best friend. easily knocks down any guy ive experienced before. everything has been nothing but bliss. these are the kind of days i will joyfully remember for the rest of my life, regardless of what happens between us in the future.

and now that im experiencing this "love" and peace with danny, i laugh about every guy i've ever worried about in the past (joseph and andy). ALRIGHT IM DONE RAMBLING ABOUT HOW HAPPY ONE GUY MAKES ME.

did i mention he lets me do whatever teh fuck i want with him and his hair? hahahah :)

january 19, 2010

it's 6:40 a.m. i woke up and immediately decided i couldnt handle another 8 to 12 biology session. i forceful get ready. now its 7:35 im sitting in the car waiting for time to pass by at school. danny wakes up just to text me my usual good morning blah blah text. we then decide i needed a biology break. he comes picks me up, we swoop on some tea from starbucks & then cuddle on his bed watching UFC all morning. romantic right? it's the only sunlight i have these pass few months.

never let me down again

am i weak for finally just giving up with friends?


i'm tired again and i've tried again





it was more than great while it lasted.

makin me happy...

ongoing thought

before all i could think and complain about is the absence of my father, not physically but emotionally. now thats long gone from my head since all i could think about is my brother. my brother has psychological problems, he has to! now all ive been thinking and worrying about is how he takes it all out on me. my mother always insists on me never fighting back and rather ignoring him. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh typical hispanic woman; accepting any form of abuse from a male. fuck all that. his problems will soon enough cause me some mental problems. its really hard living with him, even harder going to school with him. you know, getting yelled at for his F. receiving that ever so sincere "FUCK YOU" before i enter class. its the toppings on a yogurt you know? i feel tears rushing out way too often. i sometimes feel like a cry baby. but then i take a step back and logically analyze the situation, why the hell do i have to put up with this?! im crying before i go to church, before i see danny, before i go to school, just car rides with him make me tear up. thats another thing, the fact of him being in the same room as me upsets me. i feel an angry vibe from him. whether he is brushing his teeth, closing a door, any simple task; he does it angrily. i feel bad for the guy, but fuck this shit is affecting me too. i dont think my mother realizes it, although i always tells her. she even witnesses it. yet there is "nothing" she can do about it. if he wont get outta the house, im rushing out as soon as i can transfer to a different school. i honestly think im developing pysochological problems due to all of his unexplainable actions. i sometimes feel bad for him like i should try helping him more. but im tired of being the dirty cement he walks and spits all over.



now imagine all these thoughts stored in my head for months...